Friday, April 15, 2011

How Do You Know I Work Here?

Strand customers: If someone doesn't have a name tag on, that person either a) doesn't work at Strand or b) is on break and will not help you at all. Shouting "Excuse me!" as I walk away from you and ignore you is not going to help. I have no name tag on, go ask someone else.

How do you even know I work here? Do I look like a Strand employee? Do I give off a Strand stench? Do you come here that often that you know what every employee looks like? If so, thanks for the support and my paycheck but that's super creepy. Or, are you just a self-entitled asshole that has never worked retail before and thinks any 20something in a bookstore in the middle of the day works there and MUST help you now.

Here's a simple guide if you're in Strand and you can't figure out where the fiction section is though you're standing in the middle of it and you need help from someone. Employees have yellow name tags that say "ASK ME" on them attached to a red lanyard wrapped around their neck. Ask them for help. If you do not see this identifier, do not, repeat, DO NOT ask for help.

Bright yellow name tag, red lanyard = Ask!
No bright yellow name tag = Don't ask!

You're welcome.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

What are you pointing at?

So this is more of a 'new yorker, we're fighting' post, because the city did nothing wrong except allow this man in...
but this is what I could have seen last night at the TV On The Radio show:

Instead I saw this most of the time:

To clarify: this is a tall man throwing his arm up at the stage.

Now if this had been a ska show, or Limp Bizkit, I might have let it go (though I would be confused as to how I ended up at a Limp Bizkit show in the first place). And no matter the venue I could accept his over the top arm gestures because he was genuinely excited about the music IF he had any rhythm or was raising his arm during poignant lyrics. But no, it was at any and every moment and it was right in my line of vision. In short: put your pointy arm gestures the hell down. And maybe keep an eye on your extremely wasted girlfriend who can barely stand beside you.

Sunday, April 10, 2011


NYC you got me today, it was not cool.

I was walking up to the Astoria BLVD subway stop when I remembered that I was going to have to buy a new 30 day Metro card. I thought well that's annoying, ESPECIALLY since they raised the price to $104 in January. So I get to the stop and in a last minute thought of "maybe I was wrong in thinking I needed a new card": INSUFFICIENT FARE.

Then all four card kiosks are flashing CASH ONLY and I don't have any cash with me.


I ask the attendant what I can do and she says "go find a cash machine." Meanwhile I have already missed 1 train. I go downstairs and since there are no Chases around, I go to a convenience store to use their ATM. Of course whenever I am at an ATM I am always getting $40 or $60 out. I thought well I owe my brother some money so I'll get $100. After I send it through I realize that 30 subway passes are $104 and I didn't have enough. Then I had to do another transaction. Since it wasn't a Chase ATM I got charged $1.50 TWICE for using the machine!

Then when I went back to the subway stop the machines were taking cards again! C'MON!


Chase also charges you $2 for a non-chase ATM withdrawal. +$4. Unbelievable.

Friday, April 8, 2011

mother fucking snakes on the mother fucking sidewalk

This morning on my commute I was waking behind a woman who had snake skin patterned tights on. Soak it in. I suppose this could be in lieu of the newly recaptured bronx zoo cobra, but not likely. People don't want to see your stumpy legs looking like two pythons sticking out from your dress. PLUS it's winter, so my guess is that you could have gone sans the tights and shown off your scaley dry legs to get the same effect. New York, you are the fashion capital, how did you allow this to happen?!

Monday, April 4, 2011

you hit me in the face

People always complain about how rude new yorkers are, however, recently I have heard from first time visitors that they were surprised how nice people were. I was thinking maybe there was something to that then I got hit in the face. Not with a fist. With a bag full overly-priced crap.
My point is don't hit me in the face with bags full of overly-priced crap, or, just don't hit me in the face.

Friday, April 1, 2011

rainin on mah parade

So I tend to bitch about rain a lot, not here, in general. However, when it rains in The City everyone walks slower, like their umbrellas are having a resistance battle with the wind, which doesn't actually exist. WHY NEW YORK?! You are fast, stay fast.

Also, Im having trouble finding ice tea that doesn't have shit in it. At lunch after staring at the drink section for about ten minutes trying to find this I grabbed a Tazo Organic Iced Black tea. I got back to work popped it open AND ITS SWEETENED. Then i look at the bottle at in the smallest type size ever it says "lightly sweetened." This is a sick joke, New York and I don't find it funny.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

I finally get to sit down on the subway

It's unfair that we have to make decisions like where to sit on the subway first thing in the morning. Most often there are no seats by the time the train gets to my stop. But this A.M. there it was, the glorious open seat on the B. But the second I sat down my brain caught up. It told me about the stickyness below my seat, not like something had been dropped on the floor but rather like a liquid had spillith over from the seat. And it noticed the faint smell of bum, which didn't appear to be emanating from anyone around me (people were looking pretty normal this morning, it was strange). And it tried to remember if it saw anything wet on the seat before I sat down, but couldn't remember. But since on the commuter subway a seat is like getting a mansion for free, I hunkered down and rode that train, telling myself someone spilt their soda last night. But that doesn't mean I won't smell like a bum's piss for the rest of the day...

Monday, March 28, 2011

you don't have the things that I want

Usually you have everything that I want. You have great museums, lots of people, work, bars, expensive apartments, you know just about what I need to get by. However, today is one of my favorite holidays which I am unable to celebrate.
Today is Oberon Day, 2011.
NYC, if you get Oberon (a delicious summer beer from Bell's Brewery in Kalamazoo, MI), then we will cease fighting while I am drinking it.

Sunday, March 27, 2011

your weekend train service doesn't make any sense

We just waited 40 minutes for a train that doesn't exist because your service change notification (aka bullshit) signs don't mention that the replacement train doesn't run on its regular track late at night!
It's very late. I want Dunkin'. You suck.

Friday, March 25, 2011

you're just too pretty.

Being surrounded by beautiful people is intimidating and makes me self conscious, New York.

And if you're not beautiful, I think it's safe to assume you are a tourist.

Thursday, March 24, 2011

because it's snowing in late March!!!

Remember last week when it was 70 degrees and sunny and I was dreaming of taking out my summer clothes and putting away my coats? What happened to that? This morning I put on my down coat once again and felt a level of loathing which can only be felt towards something completely uncontrollable.
I was told before moving here that the winters are gross and long, but this is just ridiculous. The blizzard was bad, but at least it took place in WINTER.
Seriously, New York, we need spring now or we're all going to lose it.